Talking Points: Who is to blame?


Today’s post is another ‘from the archives’ but one that I feel is important. Too often we find ourselves in situations where fingers are pointing in every direction and no one is taking responsibility. Owning up to mistakes and apologizing seems to be becoming a lost art in our culture, but its one that is critical. We actually have an entire school of thought opposite to this that says if we teach kids to apologize and confess that they were or did wrong that their self esteem could be harmed. That’s ridiculous. Teaching anyone, especially children, that they are not responsible for their actions produces dangerous and disastrous consequences on a larger scale the older they get.

So, take some time now to look at your family and ask: Do we point fingers, or do we operate transparently in our home? Do we do what’s in our best interests even when it hurts others, or do we look out for others interests in what we say and do?

Enjoy!

DK

In Gen. 3 we find the story of the fall of mankind. I encourage you to grab a Bible, sit down with your family, and read the story together. Talk about the things that stand out to each of you as you read it. Here are some things that stand out to me:

  1.  Adam and Eve were fully aware of what they were supposed to do, and yet they willfully and of their own accord, decided to disobey the command of the Lord.

Now, this may seem obvious, but so many people miss it. And the reason is that we do the same thing… I call it the ‘sin of best interests.’ That’s when we know we shouldn’t do something but we do it anyway because we justify in our mind that it is somehow in our best interests (or the best interests of someone else). Let me give you a quick example: Forget the fact that its wrong to break the law, that we could get a ticket, or that we could kill someone, when speeding is in our best interests, for whatever the reason, we do it. Its illegal, it can be dangerous, but we are in a hurry or we are impatient, so we justify it as OK, because it is ‘in our best interests.’

This happens with children all the time. They find themselves in situations where a lie seems to be in their best interests, because they don’t want to get in trouble and have someone upset with them. However, if we teach our children clearly from the beginning that sins of best interest are still, indeed, sins and that they displease God and have serious consequences in the end, then we are doing our part to combat the mentality that its OK to justify sin.

2.   Adam and Eve tried to shift the blame for their sin.

Its the classic example. both of them were caught. They sinned, then tried to hide behind a bush from the very God who MADE the bushes. God doesn’t ask the question ‘where are you’ because He doesn’t know. He asks because He is trying to give them an opportunity to fess up. But Adam immediately tries to shift the blame to Eve when he declares “that woman you gave me…”

Eve of course is having on of that! She knows God told Adam to tend and keep the garden, so she doesn’t want to be responsible. She in turn points to the serpent. As the old saying goes, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

the point here is that no one wanted to take responsibility. We feel much better about our failures and mistakes if they are the fault of someone else. I may have eaten the cookie, but my sister told me to, therefore its HER fault, not mine. And there is also another issue here, which often comes up in these situations…Adam and Eve were really trying to blame God.
He gave Adam the woman, which Adam points out.
H created the serpent, which Eve points out.

So basically, they were pointing their finger in God’s face and saying ‘You’re the Reason!’ People do that today too, when things seem out of control.

  • When a newborn baby dies unexpectedly, we say God took them
  • When a woman dies of breast cancer, we say it was God’s will
  • When disaster strikes and a home is destroyed by a tornado, we call it an Act of God

The list could go on. It is really unfair, however, for us to point at God as the problem, when the cause of these things is a direct result of man’s disobedience. God didn’t put sickness in the world, it entered as a result of the fall. He didn’t take a baby to SIDS, death is a result of the fall. The Creation, man, tries to point at the Creator and tell Him that, in essence, He did a lousy job. But it doesn’t work that way. We face the consequences for things as a direct result of our sin and disobedience, whether we see that or not.

Consider this story:

A man is driving down the interstate when he gets a call from his wife. “HERB,” she screams, “Be careful out there on the road. The news just came on and said that some crazy person is driving the wrong way down the interstate, weaving in and out of traffic.”
Herb replies to his wife: “They got it wrong. There are a bunch of crazy people out here driving the wrong way! I keep trying to dodge them all!”

Obviously, Herb was the one in the wrong, but he couldn’t see that. So often, neither can we.

3) They tried to hide their sin.

Adam and Eve made themselves clothes, because they realized they were naked. Then they hid when they heard God coming. We may be able to hid our sins for a while, but eventually someone will find out and it will cost us. That may be in heaven, but it will happen one way or another if we don’t deal with it.

4) They point at others who have done worse.

This is kind of like deflecting blame, but its also separate. Again, we have this need to feel justified, so we look in our misery for someone who has done something worse. Think of the habitual liar who points at himself and says “I never killed anyone, so what I did wasn’t nearly as bad as what Charles Manson did!” or the wife abuser who says “i only hit her twice. I know a guy who went a lot further then that.

We try to point at others failures as a way to deflect attention off of our own. Yet, at the end of the day, it will just be you and God–me and God–as we review the events of our lives and give account. I would much rather plead the Blood, deal with my sin now, and move on, painful as it may be, then in my pride justify myself and stand before Him and have to explain why I did the things I did…

Now make it practical. Talk it over with your family.
Here are a few Talking points:

  • Review Gen 3 with your family. See also the story of Cain and Able. Why did Adam, Eve, and Cain try to hide what they did? Why not own up to their mistakes? What makes it so hard to admit we are wrong or did wrong?
  • In what ways do we justify things when we make mistakes? how should we respond, instead? (parents, be open with your kids. Give them an example of a time you’ve missed it and deflected the blame. Lead by example)
  • How do you think God feels when we try to blame others, or even blame Him for the mistakes we make or the bad things that happen in our lives?
  • How can we adjust our attitudes to be in line with what God wants, so that when we fail we respond the right way?
  • Pray together and ask God to forgive you for the places you’ve failed. Pray for your kids that God will help them to admit when they’ve made a mistake and correct it. Then let them pray for you as well!
2013
05/23
CATEGORY
Bible
children and family
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Check out Life Christian Howell!


We’ve been working hard to get to where we want to be at Life Christian Church in Howell. We’ve seen God moving and things happen, and we are excited about the future!

One step we’ve taken has been to re-launch our campus website. I hope you’ll check it out here: www.lifehowell.com

Be sure to look around and tell us what you think! We aren’t done, so feedback is always appreciated!
Thanks,

DK

Welcome_Web

 

2013
05/17
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Continue to Impact


I love discovering new leaders to glean from, and recently I have found someone new who has great ideas, things to share, and actually has ideas on what to do for problems instead of just pointing them out. Today, I have a post to share with you from this excellent leader about how the church can continue to be dynamic and impacting in the future.

Please enjoy, and be sure to also follow Carey Nieuwhof here: http://careynieuwhof.com/

DK

11 Traits of Churches that will Impact the Future by Carey Nieuwhof

Almost every leader I talk to acknowledges that our culture is shifting.

To reach a changing culture, the church needs to change. Rapidly.

Don’t get me wrong, we don’t need to change the message. Just the method. One is sacred. The other is not.

What isn’t as clear is what the future church will look like, and what kind of characteristics will mark those churches.

However, I think a few trends are becoming clear. Not all of these might be correct, but I think the following eleven traits describe the kind of churches that will have a significant impact a decade from now.

The wise leader is taking steps today to position their church to respond to these things. I know that’s what I’m trying to do at Connexus, where I have the privilege of serving.

After reading this list, I’d love your feedback and reaction. Leave a comment outlining what you see and any other trends you’re noticing.

Here’s what I see as hallmarks of the churches that will make an impact in the next decade:

1. The ability to say no. One of the reasons churches don’t change is because leaders are unwilling to say no to current members who prefer things the way they were. When you learn to say no to the preferences of some current members, you learn to say yes to a community that is ready to be reached. (For more on learning to say no, see this post.)

2. Outsider focus. Churches that become passionate about people outside their walls will be far more effective than churches that are passionate about keeping the few people they have inside their walls. Better still, you will have a healthier church. We call individuals who are fixated on their wants and needs selfish and immature. Selfless and mature churches will have an impact because of their passion for people God cares about.

3. Quick decision making. Can your church or organizations make quick decisions? If not, amend your constitution so you can. If the congregation needs to vote on everything, just realize this is going to be your achilles heel when it comes to making the changes you need to make.

4. Flexibility. You don’t need to change your mission (for the most part), but you do need to change your methods. Flexible and adaptable churches that can innovate around strategy and different initiatives will have the freedom to make the changes they need to make an impact moving forward.

5. A willingness to embrace smaller to become bigger. Mega-churches will continue to grow, but most of us won’t lead mega-churches. When small churches stop trying to be mega-churches, good things can happen. In fact, more and more larger churches will start embracing smaller venues, locations and partnerships to keep growing. A greater number of smaller venues might be a hallmark of future churches making an impact.

6. A quicker, lighter footprint. I learned this phrase from my friend Rich Birch (you should read his blog). Churches need a quicker, lighter footprint to grow. If you’re waiting for millions to build your building, you might wait forever. Get innovative and start looking at portable and non-traditional ways of growing your ministry. Quicker, lighter footprints will be necessary (see this Leadership Network article for more on innovate, inexpensive building alternatives).

7. Valuing online relationships as real relationships. Churches that aren’t online beyond a website are going to miss the boat. Real interaction with real people online is…well…real. Sure, face to face is deeper, but people will tell you things online they can’t muster the courage to tell you face to face. Whether you get them to a ‘real’ church is increasingly debatable. I would love that. But we’ll have to see. As much as you might hate it, virtual relationships are becoming real relationships.

8. An openness to questions. Most unchurched people today come in with questions that seem weird to those of us who spent a life time in church. Don’t try to answer them right away. Churches that understand that embracing questions is as important as providing immediate answers will make an impact in the future. We’re discovering that if you embrace questions, the answers eventually find their way into people’s lives. The Holy Spirit actually does move in people’s lives.

9. A high value on experimentation. The more traditional you are, the less you will value experimentation. The more successful you are, the less you will value experimentation. If you start to raise the value of experimentation, you will accelerate change and flexibility. The churches that connect with their community will be the churches willing enough to try a variety of things, and who also have the courage to kill them as soon as they stop producing results.

10. Prioritizing a for you not from you culture. Andy Stanley often talks about what he wants for people, not just what he wants from them. Churches in decline often think in terms of what they can get from people – money, time, growth etc. Churches that will make an impact on the future will be passionate about what they want for people – financial balance, generosity, the joy of serving, better families, and of course, Christ at the center of everyone’s life.

11. A tailored experience, not a tailored message. You don’t have to tailor the message to unchurched people (see what Andy Stanley says about that here), but churches that have an impact will tailor the experience. There were presents under my tree last Christmas. But I’m not a shopping mall fan. 90% of my gift buying happened online. The content was the same – the experience changed. Churches that decide they will hold the message sacred but tailor the experience to an ever shifting culture will be more effective (here, by the way, are 15 characteristics of today’s unchurched people).

That’s what I see. What else do you see?

I’d love to hear about what you’re noticing.

About Carey Nieuwhof: Carey Nieuwhof is lead pastor of Connexus Community Church and author of the best selling books, Leading Change Without Losing It and Parenting Beyond Your Capacity. Carey speaks to North American and global church leaders about change, leadership, and parenting.

2013
05/14
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Bible
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Failure is not an option, but it will happen


Let’s face it, we all fail at times. It’s part of life. While we don’t want failures to define us and we don’t want to live in a place of failure, the fact is that failure can be a good thing. It can motivate us. It can inspire us to think differently. It can challenge us to try harder.

May successful people started out as failures. Thomas Edison said “Results? Why, man, I have gotten lots of results! If I find 10,000 ways something won’t work, I haven’t failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is often a step forward…”

The key is how we perceive failure and how we view ourselves.

With that in mind, here is a great post for parents about teaching kids lessons in and through failure from All Pro Dad (allprodad.com)

Enjoy!

DK

Failure is inevitable. It’s impossible to go through life without losing or coming up short one way or another. But what’s most important is how you respond to that failure. Here are 5 things to teach your kids about failure.

Everyone Has Unique Talents

Maybe your daughter wants to be the next Carrie Underwood. Then you hear her sing. Your son wants to be Evan Longoria. He can’t hit the ball off a tee. There are just some things we aren’t cut out for; it’s best to learn that at an early age. The good news is that they are a champion at something. It may not be sports or school or music, but let them try it all. Guide them towards their gifts and encourage them along the way.

Not Everybody Gets a Trophy

Somewhere along the line, we became a society that preached instant gratification. Like a giant carnival, our slogan became “Everybody wins all the time.” We know it’s not true. It’s also a terrible example to set. Losing is every bit as important in human growth as winning. Rewarding your child for doing nothing will teach him just that. Nothing.

Be Respectable

What is one of the most flattering descriptions a person can hear? “He sure has a lot of class.” “She sure was a great sport about it.” Are you teaching your children how to fail with dignity? How to leave it on the field? How a person accepts failure is an easy indicator of the character within. The ability to laugh about it sure makes failures a lot easier to deal with. When you make mistakes in front of your kids, set that example. Don’t curse and scream at the sky. Just shake your head and laugh. It happens. If they have a good attitude, whether winning or losing, they are almost guaranteed future success. Respect is gained outwardly and inwardly.

Persevere

“I think and think for months. For years. Ninety-nine times the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.” Who said that? Albert Einstein. Every time you fail, you must dust yourself off and get back on that horse. Determination wins many victories. We should not allow our children to give up easily. Maybe your son has brought home two straight failing test grades in math. He thinks there is no way he will ever get it. Help him pick himself back up. Try once more. Do whatever it takes to make it work. Perseverance will eventually lead to positive results and a lifelong lesson never to be forgotten.

Understand True Success

Looking into the future, what do you wish for your children? I’m guessing happiness tops that list.Honest and respectable, having a loving family of their own. You don’t want them to aspire to the fast sports car, lots of money and countless hot girlfriends. Yet, that is exactly what is marketed at him– eternal failure. Society teaches shallowness to be equal to success. As a parent, it is up to you to define what success truly is. It is a battle that you must win.

© 2013 All Pro Dad. All Rights Reserved. Family First, All Pro Dad, iMOM, and Family Minute with Mark Merrill are registered trademarks.

2013
05/09
CATEGORY
children and family
Christian Life
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Being Christ-Like


Today’s post is another ‘old’ classic from 2010. As I read through it this morning I was re-challenged to think about the things that I’m doing and if they’re the right things…the important things. In reality, 100 years from now the only thing that will matter is someone’s relationship with God.

For anyone in the Kansas City area, the Upper Room still happens every Sunday, and is lead by my good friend Ethan Bunce. I would encourage you to check it out. For everyone else, I challenge you to find time-alone or in a group, where you can spend a while just in worship before God and be refreshed. Services are great, but often times we don’t focus on the worship because we’re serving, we’re there for the Word, we want to connect with friends…Church is an awesome place to provide community, but make sure that you take time to cut out all distractions and worship your awesome God!

Enjoy!

DK

Each Sunday night we have a worship ministry called the Upper Room that meets for 1 hour. This time of worship, prayer, and fellowship is so rich and refreshing. It takes me back to my Bible School days in the living room of one of my good friends homes, as we’d have CD worship and pray, and just wait for God to talk. He always would.

A few weeks back, He impressed something on my heart that I would like to share:

Being a Christian is supposed to mean being Christ-like. But what is that? Our definition of Christianity has become so convoluted and polluted that most people have no idea what its like to be Christ-like. Their head is so full of other peoples ideas of Christianity that they wouldn’t understand Christ-likeness if Jesus Himself stepped in front of them and smacked them in the face.

Today, Christianity has been reduced like a broth to basic religious elements

we go to church
we give to the church
we sing, dance, run, and lift our hands

And we actually thing THESE things are an exhibition of true Christianity.

But its not. Being a Christian isn’t about putting your butt in a seat or a check in the plate on Sunday morning. Christianity has nothing to do with how loud you can shout or how high you can lift your hands.

Christianity is Christ-likeness. Its having our lives look like Jesus’ life, and not like the life of the TV preacher, famous athlete, our momma, or sister so-and-so. Oh, being in church is important because God says so (do not forsake the assembling of yourselves together- Hebrews 10:25). Tithing is important because God tells us to bring the tithe into the storehouse (Malachi 3:10). Singing, shouting and even dancing are important because they are natural expressions and reactions of adoration for an overwhelming, Supreme God how has impacted our lives. David couldn’t help but dance and sing for joy in His presence.

However, nothing about these things makes us a Christian.

all the tee-shirts we wear, the bumper stickers we have…they don’t cut it either. A cross around your neck is no guarantee of the impact of the cross upon your heart. Christianity is about action. What did I DO today that’s like what Jesus DID?

whose life did I impact
whose heart did I encourage
whose thinking did I challenge
whose situation did I step into and bring hope?

God cares so little about your religious expressions that you’d feel embarrassed if you knew how much difference it made. Jesus said ‘The works that I do, you shall do also, and greater works that these…’ (John 14:12). The book of 1 John says ‘as He is, so are we in this world’ (1 John 4:17).

We need to readjust our mindset and stop the frivolous, fanatical religious rituals and start feeling the change of real relationship. We need to stop being church-like and start being Christ-like. We need to stop acting like Christians and start acting like Christ.

The relationship we have with Him should so changes us, so penetrate every area of desire, every dream of the future, every passion of our heart, that instead of life being about simply being close to Him that it becomes about being an imitator, a copy, a double, and a duplicate of Him. Christianity is about Christ-likeness, not people-likeness. Its about action and impact not words and going through the motions of religious expression.

But in order to be Christ-like we first have to be truly impacted by him first. We have to stop caring about what others do, think, or say and be willing to be confrontational, not just conversational. Christianity isn’t about tradition, its about truth. The truth is too many Christians are too much like the world…and that is why they aren’t making a difference AND why they aren’t seeing any difference in their lives. Its not real relationship unless there is real change in the way you talk, think and act.

So, are you Church-like or Christ-like? Who have you and who are you impacting will answer that question well. Be bold…start being like Jesus and not like the crowd.

DK

2013
05/08
CATEGORY
Bible
Christian Life
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The Holy Spirit and Power


So as we continued our series on the Holy Spirit, I wanted to be sure that I shared with you the message from last Sunday. It was a ton of fun!

Enjoy,

DK

2013
04/24
CATEGORY
Bible
Christian Life
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Are you doing what’s really important?


Today’s post comes from something the great Karen Jensen posted on Facebook. I don’t know if it is from her originally, or not, but Karen is an awesome mother and Christian leader, and works in the Rhema Ministerial Association offices and at the Training Center.

This little ‘article’, if you want to call it that, is a great reminder that we need to focus on the important things. I found myself thinking about this just last week, when I went and laid down on the bed and just watched my son sleep. I had plenty of ‘things’ to do, to be sure. But when he awoke, I was there. And because I was I got the biggest smile I could imagine. Years from now he won’t remember that moment, but I sure will…and to think i could have missed it by checking emails instead!

Enjoy,

DK

Dear Mom On the iPhone,

I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.

But Mom, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…

Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.

You aren’t.

Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.

He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.

Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.

Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.

Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.

Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!

Play time at the park will be over before you know it.

The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.

They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”

There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.

Because they know…

You’ve shown them, during all of these moments, that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..

I know that’s not true, Mommy.

I know your heart says differently.

But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.

May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all.

2013
04/24
CATEGORY
children and family
Christian Life
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